An egg may roll, but it does not make it an egg roll

So I had quite a long superficial reflection on the possibility of the existence of a "true" self. There are many subjective theories as to who your real self is: the one you are before you sleep, before your death, how you are in crowds, how you are with a person, how you are under stress, when you're in a position of power or of high economical standing, et cetera. Out of these possible events or conditions of self, which one represents my true self, that is, if there is one.

*** Warning: Additional Topic that digresses from original topic ***

Seeing as how I am a minimalist, in the sense where I don't really like to reach for conclusions further than I am satisfied with; in other words, less energy needed to be wasted, the happier I am. There are times where I like to divulge in "deep" philosophisation about X or Y subject that is of present interest to me, yeah, but in general, if I can predict an inconclusive loop to the subject, I tend to avoid it, seeing as that my stubborness will not allow me to be the first to give up, or fail. I like to discuss with people who understand that this isn't a discussion to persuade and make you "see the light"; rather, a steady conversation where the interchanging of ideas is done, with new perspectives making place in our minds, and previous ignorances are eliminated. If it's not going anywhere, then know that my ignorance will totally piss you off.

*** End of warning ***

With my minimalist position partially revealed, I return to the subject of the real self. Do we really have a real self? Don't we have a possible group of real selves, or, and this is where I stand, all of my personalities are all really me?

When I am alone for example, it's a different social position, allowing certain conditions and restrictions that, for some psychological or sociological reason, I (or society or some other influential group) brought upon myself to be created or eliminated for the time being. I can, for example, allow myself to be more vulnerable, seeing as that I don't need to be so defensive against the no one that is or isn't there.

The same applies for when you're with a person, or two persons, or more people. Would it be possible to demonstrate this "state of self" to another person, and if so, would it be comfortable? Up to what limit? Should there be a no for any of the first two questions, one would then need to resort to some action, as in bring about another aspect of "you".

To summarize, the conditions in which you're in and the environment that's set presently influences as to which aspect of yourself is going to respond to the situation, not which mask am I going to display, a position overly egocentric I think, where it allows for situations of one "revealing my true self to only certain people" and others to "knowing your true self". How I was before, how I am, and how I will be, all are my true selves, in the entirety; it just depends on certain parameters.

The originality of my "selves" is a whole different issue though, hahaha. One does what one likes, and I think it's an amalgamation of originals and copied, but let's leave that for another day... if it ever comes ;)

La apreciación: Sergio y Fernanda

Primera hora: Hallan joven muerto por golpe de agua en Río Blanco de Naguabo

Estoy cansado, pero muy muy muy cansado de estar pensando. He llorado la mitad de mis lágrimas, y el silencio no encuentra dónde quedarse en mi mente.

El verano pasado, he tenido el privilegio de pasar unas semanas en unos seminarios auspiciados por AGEP (aunque en ese tiempo, lo consideré como martirio jajaja). Fue un momento estereotípico, uno va para coger seminarios diarios, con el propósito adicional de conocer y compartir con otros estudiantes graduados de otras facultades (y recintos). Claro, el primer día, uno va a hacer lo que hace un estudiante deseoso de compartir sus experiencias con extranjeros: buscar aquellos quienes tu conoce y asegurar una mesa para congregar tu clique. Con el paso de las horas y los días, preparan actividades que anima uno a conocer otros (o, mejor dicho, impone a uno), pero se facilitan las cosas todavía, ya que uno está incómodo, además tu nuevo compañer@ está incomod@ de igual forma (o más). Después de tanto quejar, uno llega a hacer y fortalecer amistades, sea por conversando sobre cosas que uno no conoce como lo es la biología, química, whatever, o bochinchando sobre esa persona tan irritante que no le cae bien a nadie; comoquiera, uno llega por lo menos a conocer a cada persona, y sin saberlo, llegar a apreciar esa persona.

Fue algo triste, cuando se acabó nuestro "acampamiento" de verano (aliviante para otros). Mis memorias son buenas, incluyendo algunos cuentos de Colombia de mis amigos colombianos incluyendo Sergio, y mi amiga Fernanda me enseñó como decir "garrafa", lo que es ?botella? en portugués... creo. Bueno, nos fuimos, no? Pero en fin, iba a encontrarme con ellos eventualmente, somos graduados de ciencias naturales de la UPRRP, no es TAN grande. Eso fue lo que pensé, claro...

Un pensamiento que fue arrastrado con un golpe de agua. Si no llegaron a leer las noticias del portal que puse al principio, leenlas. Mi amigo Sergió falleció, y mi amiga Fernanda, hasta ahora, se encuentra desaparecida.

Estoy cansado de pensar. He llorado la mitad de mis lágrimas, pero mi corazón no deja de llorar. Cómo es posible que en tan corto tiempo, uno, sin saber o tal vez querer, puede sentir tanto por una persona o personas?

Los familiares, en qué estarán pensando? Dejaron a sus hijos ir a un país extraño, sin saber lo que les esperaba. En qué piensan? Será que la tristeza, desesperación, y soledad no los deja pensar?

Temos que deixar tudo nas mãos do Senhor. Descanse em paz, Sergio. Iremos ver você em breve, Fernanda.

Unnecessary Ranting #1: Retort and Discourtesy

Ok, before I say anything, if there's such a thing as menstruation for guys, then I am on it; I call this androstruation. What this means is that I am cranky (or maybe more cranky than usual), and although this can not be used as an excuse for my volatility, I don't really give a care for negativity of others or the lack of certain social structures in some people that impede them from having at least a successful semi-conversation with others. For some subtlety, I'm going to keep anonymous the names of the cretins, or as they'll be called as of now, idiots (more original nicknames coming soon). Let's start with cretin 1, who I call "Comeback" which as you will see will be an ironic term.

So today is a friend's birthday. It's supposed to be a jovial day, a day of celebration, blah blah one can outline the cultural implications of such a day. So anyways, I'm a neat freak. Friends brought pizza, cake, and who knows what, and it's fine! They made a mess on the floor due to their poor habits of mastication that leads to ingestion and so forth, AKA eating; it's alright! Just hoping they clean up after themselves because really... they are pigs (no offense, pigs are much cleaner). So they bring in this oversized hallmark card so that everyone can sign and stuff. So I take out my stylo (that I like very much because despite poor penmanship it always alleviates that problem slightly), and then many others started to use it and pass it around. That's not the issue. The issue is that I just made a comically sarcastic comment on how some people tend to use articles or materials that belong to others without permission of the original owner. It was of course a joke, since if the thing is being passed around, of course you won't be expecting being asked permission for its use each time it's being used; it's not practical. However, at that time the user was Comeback, and he riposted with an auditively illegible comment (although no matter what he says, no one really understands) where a certain phrase was heard (will be censored for this rant). I continued my comment, and he repeated the statement even more loudly and annoyingly. I refrained from continuing, no need to waste my breath, especially since I'm this cranky. Tu as été plus efficace quand tu ne parle pas. Si tu parle non-sens encore, personne ne veux pas parler avec toi. Tais-toi!

The second person, who I will not nickname, just happened to make a comment post-event. Si tu as un problème avec mes goûts, l'office n'est pas une radio; tu peux aller. Tu es mon ami, et comme je suis grincheux, ignorant la question.

So many bitchy people make me bitchy! Calm down geez! If you can't take a joke, swallow some valium. Bring some rainbows to the world, or at least to your heightened sensed self lol.

*Off the soapbox*

Carus, desidero (letras de una canción caótica determinista)

How many days have slid, since your permanent cessation from this boring life?
How long has it been since I've seen your smiling face? (it's been too long)
How many years have passed by since you were right here, beside me?
How many nights have gone where you've been in, my lonely thoughts?

Do you remember me?
Are my thoughts of you lost in your dreams?
Do you think of me?
Oh, how egotistical of me...

Your eyes full of life
They filled me with such joy
Your hands, warm... never have I been... cold

Skipping on the road, no sign of negativity
Waiting in the wind, all signs singing blissfully

You have wandered, questioning the base of my faiths and possibly my ideals
You have taunted, laughing at things so serious, pondering those so unreal

Where have you gone?
I'm waiting here (same as yesterday)
Today, carus, desidero
But I don't want the reasons to be jovial

My eyes searching to find you
My lungs breathing your nepenthean fragrance
My arms stretching to feel for the sanctuary but it is useless

For you only exist in memories
Struggling down this road I am, so I can finally see you at the end
But it seems it will never end, will I ever get there...

Slowly time turns, trying to find its own identity
Patience guides me, giving me hope that it won't be in vain, this neverending expiscation

I remember your face, your smile, all your desires and
I will run, just maybe it's you who can't catch me